This is another true story. I think this is from Christmas break my freshman year in college.

Santa Visits Jewish Family by Accident

It’s been entirely too long since I last wrote a story of any kind. And to tell the truth, I don’t even remember how to do it. But I’ve been inspired by reading my old stories on Matt’s webpage; some of them are actually quite buttery and altogether mad nice.

So I was home for a little while this Christmas break, and although the break had an inauspicious start, by the end we were in full "doing stuff" mode. Most of this doing stuff, as always, included screwing with poor Weiss and his poor Weiss family. So Matty Bombastic and myself were chilling at MJ’s house one night, and since Seamus had said 45 minutes before that he would be there in 5 minutes, we decided to go to his house and get a good old fashion strip-tease from Megan. Apparently all y’all bitches used to do that when I was exiled. Remember that 6 month period? Thought so, assholes. Anyway, we get there and don’t make our presence known to Mus for a while as we fraternize with his bigger little sister. Eventually the yippidy little piece of shit of a dog that they have alerted Seamus(pronounced like semen with an "s" at the end; I didn’t make it up) of the fact that we had arrived. He came downstairs, wearing only abercrombie(pronounced abercombie if you ask me) gear, including socks and boxers. We called him penis breath for a while, and let him know how much like a mannequin he looked, but he didn’t care too much, apparently girls like paper machee guys, and he was getting his or so he says.

I actually dispute that he had some swimmer chick that was hotter than Nicole, who has become oddly obsessed with him. If that’s not the damnedest thing ever. Nicole being obsessed with Seamus, what the fuck is that all about? Anyway, we decided after a while to roll out to Weiss’s for no reason at all. We got in my piece, literally and figuratively, and put on 90.1 FM which apparently plays the most fucked up music I’ve ever heard in my life. It was hot. So we’re driving down the road, doing nothing but listening to the psychedelic music as our spirits were set free by its groovy rhythm. Which reminds me that the man is holding me down, but I suppose that’s another story, and I’ll probably write that in two more years.

So we get to Weiss’s house, and decide that we’re going to unplug the lights. I put my car in stealth mode, and Mus and Matt streak to the backyard. Meanwhile, the dog, Tyson I think, was raising all hell in the window. I think Mr. Weiss probably beat the shit out of it for that, but finally they took notice to the threat from outside and started to make some noise indoors. I pulled off what was quite possibly the loudest three point turn in the history of horseless carriages(some belt in my car is loose, and no Matt, it’s not the alternator belt), and was waiting as the intrepid explorers flung themselves into my car. I pulled out, avoiding a flurry of gunfire and quickly turned towards Sarah’s house. We never got there as a Santa Claus on Weiss’s neighbor’s lawn caught Mus’s eye. They decided that they could steal it and put it on Weiss’s lawn. So needless to say they did. It was the most funny thing I have ever witnessed, especially when they tripped the motion sensor light and drove into the bushes like a bunch of little girls. Weiss decided that he’d tell us he was outside with a baseball bat as they were moving the Santa, but I reply to that claim with a chorus of bluffs. He wasn’t anywhere, because he thought that Rich was there instead of Seamus, and we all know that Rich and Mus look nothing alike especially since Mus came back from college smaller than he was when he left.

So the next night comes around roughly 24 hours later, which coincides with the passage of one terrestrial day, which makes sense if you think about it. Anyway, don’t know if that sentence has a main clause, but I don’t really care and it’s all Seabass’s fault for interrupting me. The night was no different than the night before, only Rich and Seamus were at Matt’s house to begin with. That’s right, I ended a sentence with a preposition, but hell, it’s not as bad as saying something like "myriad of", but anyway, why the fuck would any of you know about that? So Weiss calls and tells us he’s coming over, so we decide to go to his house and move the Santa back while he’s on his way to Matt’s. Since he’s blind, he didn’t see us when we went past him at the end of Craigville. Equipped with a video camera and soothed by the softly spoken sounds of pigs squealing on the psychedelic station we sailed silently toward the sea of suffering that would soon be Santa’s station. We knew the drill this time, and it was not long before the mission was accomplished. Matt stayed on camera this time, and Mus and Rich moved the Santa all the way to the front step. I pulled around to the end of Weiss’s road and was waiting as they came. Rich, in an act of brazen hubris, rung the doorbell and then fled at full speed to the road.

The getaway was clean, and even the cops flying towards the scene of the crime could not stop us. Technically the cops came after the first night, but I forgot it then, so you can all believe me when I say it happened this time. Anyway, we got away cleanly, and Mr. Weiss spent an hour reaming out the neighborhood children for their antics. He’ll likely beat the shit out of us next time we see him, but it was worth it. There’s nothing better than putting a Santa on a Jewish guy’s lawn, even if Mrs. J considers it to be a hate crime. Doubtless, this is my 4^th crime against humanity in Ms. Kenierman’s book, and a couple more and she’ll cast me down to the depths of hell herself.