This is, as you probably noticed, out of control.
Here are a few things:
1) It has been mentioned that this was an anonymous thing, and that my family was kept from harm by this. If this is so anonymous, where is everyone coming from? I've gotten 700 hits today, roughly 10 times my daily average, and that's only people who are looking from work. Wait until 11 PM. Anonymous...
2) To those who I insulted in middle school and high school: I have often thought upon those times with regret. While I don't remember the specific example (I do remember the person, though I don't remember sharing classes with her in high school), I do remember the mindset. Some people's youthful awkwardness if manifested in crackly voices or compulsive behavior. My adolescent self-hate was often directed against others. For this, if for nothing else, I am terribly sorry.
I remain blunt, though I do not feel that I am maliciously so at this point in my life. You're already here, there's hundreds of pages of opportunity for you to think of me differently if you choose to investigate. If not, I was fully culpable for my past actions, and do not mind if you continue to demonize me if it helps you feel better. I can epitomize evil for you if you wish, but I will tell you that nothing encourages healing better than forgiveness.
3) There is a veritable chorus of suggestions from people that actually know me regarding how I should handle this. Many want, nay, demand, that I pursue legal action against the paper and the author. I have a hard time visualizing how that will help anything. Some who don't know me have suggested I throw an apology up there for the sake of shutting people up. Let them take their licks and feel good about themselves and leave. I can't do that either, I have been completely honest and forthright so far, and if I were to stop, nothing I have said would mean anything. Many want revenge, many see the accusers as hate mongers, and those that know me as I am today see me as a victim. Am I a victim? Of course not, I have said it all along, you can say anything you want about ME. As mentioned above, I deserve it for the sins of the past. That's fine, I can take it. Please leave my family out of it, but I can take it.
So where do I stand, what can I do? There are three women involved who feel that they've been victumized by me.
I don't know Ms Strauss, but it's safe to say that I've formed a negative opinion of her in the last few days. I am being frank, remember. I'm not a big fan. Rebecca wrote a couple of well thought out and understandable comments. I respect her opinion on the matter, and think that she has done much to aid in my understanding of why people are upset. Ms Strauss was ineffective at this, as she approached it as a lawyer whose humanity has been intentionally hidden for the sake of personal dignity. This is fine, but ineffective. Rebecca approached it as a person, and I heard her more easily. I have heard nothing from Hanna, though I eagerly await that time. It is true that she and I once had a semi-stable working relationship, able to put our differences of opinion aside for the sake of being friends because there was no reason not to be just because of ideological disputes.
Regardless of techniques used by the three women, I have the same reply:
I am sorry if my words were misconstrued in a way which offended or insulted you. While I did not intend for them to contain any hint of malice or contempt for any people group, it is apparent that you have found some aspects of those words to be insulting. I, in fact, do not hold the views which have been attributed to me. While I still wonder if you have ever read the passages in question without the assumptions under which you began your search, I understand that at some level it doesn't matter. You are insulted, and I can apologize for the fact that my words have been hurtful to you. I can try to ease your fears of the rampid anti-semitism you implied in your article and hope that an open dialogue will do this.
I understand that I will not "win" or live without being stigmatized by this. On many levels, it doesn't matter. I can only conduct myself in a way which maintains the standard which I hold for myself. That standard is not the one so carefully crafted in any editorial, but is the one presented on here in the last few days and exemplified in my life as it exists in the present. Take it or leave it, I can offer you no more of myself than my reality.
Posted by E1st at February 14, 2005 05:31 PM