I have been in an American Ballroom dancing class for the last few months. It’s an hour and a half every Monday night. I’m actually not bad, I think I’m generally reputed to be around the midpoint of the class. I’m definitely better than half the girls with whom I dance. But there’s a problem. I don’t really want to do.
But I signed up for it. It cost me $55. I’ve been to about 8 classes, and have 3 to go, meaning that I still have $15 sitting out there.
But I don’t want to go.
And in theory, I don’t have to go.
The problem is that I have made an imaginary commitment to going to dance class on Monday nights. The time is allocated, it has local priority over that time period.
I tried to quit my masters degree when I was just past halfway through a few years ago during the Hanna fiasco. I really, truly tried to quit, I even called home and told my parents that I’d be eating the semesters cost (this time closer to $4K) because I didn’t want to do it anymore. But I couldn’t. I was unable to not continue. Often times I think about stepping on roots or tripping over the curb while I’m racing. I think about how much less it will hurt, and I wonder if I can just take the easy way out. But I never have, not once. Sometimes I think about jumping off bridges or in front of cars when I run. I’m not sure where that comes from, I think that I just get tired of not jumping off bridges. But I can’t do that either. I am prevented by something in the kernel of my existence – I can’t quit.
But I don’t want to go to dance class tonight. And some friends are going to my favorite bar to get half-priced hamburgers, and I want to go to that.
In theory this dance class should be something that brings me more fullness in my life. It does not. There is nothing compelling me to continue other than me. “Me” decided to do it in the first place a few months ago because it was something that I wouldn’t normally do, and I was sick of watching my life follow the same patterns every day, over and over again. Once more dance class is going to be a vector for my freedom from myself. Because I’m not going to go. God have mercy on us all.
Hey, if you ever run out of options for things you “wouldn’t normally do”, I’m your gal. You know where to find me. You should have said something sooner.
As it turns out, it was some anniversary of the Ropewalk. They had free drinks (as in, whatever I wanted – for beer at least) and free food (chicken and wings); the place was packed.
I certainly would never think to take up knitting – I doubt that my initiative is going to extend that far.
Well, I’m going to knit something FOR you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.